Sloppy people and Liars (help!)

[KathyK]

Your plight struck a chord with me as I have had similar issues in 
the past with my own brother, who is two years younger than I am.  
For many reasons he became a problem child, which eventually 
resulted in too much drinking and drugs and not enough schooling or 
discipline.  My mother, bless her, tried her best but she is not a 
disciplinarian and is not one to stick to her guns.  She even threw 
him out a few times but made the monumental mistake of letting him 
come home without changing his behavior one bit.  

But anyways, he didn't finish High School, either, and very rarely 
did he have a job.  If we got him to pick up one thing in the 
kitchen it was a victory.  We didn't go near his bedroom.  No Way.  
He wasn't big on hygeine, either.  He stayed up all hours of the 
night, occasionally not returning home for many days.  And he didn't 
have a job for an excuse.  He was just a lazy, selfish bum.  

Then, a few years ago, the best thing in the world happened:  He was 
arrested for possession of marijuana.  That in and of itself is not 
wonderful, of course, particularly since it occurred on my mother's 
birthday but it was a wake up call, of the very generic sort.  One 
that nevertheless proved effective when four days later, on his 
birthday, he had a little epiphany and set about to change his 
life.  

He got a job, and his GED.  He quit doing drugs and slowed his 
drinking considerably.  He's still not the neatest person, but then 
again I'm no neat freak, either.  There are still a lot of other 
problems, too.  For instance, right now he's going to a community 
college to learn all about computers but he doesn't have a job.  And 
that makes me want to scream at him because I went to school full 
time and worked nearly full time throughout college.  He also 
doesn't have a driver's license and is dependent on others to go 
anywhere.  He's lucky his girlfriend is such a willing chauffer.  

What I want to say to you, I guess, is while I don't have any 
helpful advice to give, I can relate to what you're dealing with, in 
a sense.  I know this kid isn't your family so it is different.  
Then I think of how many times I would have jumped at the chance to 
cut my brother out of my life completely, and he's family and I love 
him.  I can only imagine how much worse your situation is because 
he's not your brother, just some kid you're stuck with for a while. 

So...I'm with ya.

And now on to some questions:

How does his little sister feel about his behavior?

Have you and your mother spoken to his father about it?  Has he 
talked to Shane?  In other words, How does Tom handle Shane's 
behavior?

And you can't be the only one irritated with his carrying his mess 
out of his bedroom and into the rest of the house.  Has your mother 
or his father tried to do anything about it?  Does it only bother 
you because it sounds like it would annoy and disgust anyone? 

About lying...I've been there on that one, too.  Kurt (that's my 
younger brother's name) used to steal from me.  Money, usually.  And 
it would be quite obvious that he took it.  And he'd sit there and 
lie to my face about it.  He did this to my mother, too.  He even 
pawned her jewelry (which she promptly had him arrested for.  I 
cheered that one.) including her and my father's wedding bands.  We 
got them back, but there's no way of knowing if that plain gold band 
of my father's is actually his as the pawn shop had many such 
bands.  This nearly killed my mother.  I think theft is repulsive to 
begin with but I think the worst is to steal from one's own family. 
He lied about the jewelry pawning, too of course.  But there was no 
one else it could have been.  Was I, Queen of Sentimentality in my 
family, about to go sell my parent's wedding rings?  I think not.

Short of moving out of your house, there isn't much you can do 
except talk to your mother about what's going on.  It's your mother 
and his father's home.  They're the ones who are ultimately going to 
have to lay down the law.   I'm not sure anyone can force personal 
hygeine on the boy but they can take the stance that it is *their* 
house and if he wishes to continue to dwell in *their* home, he'll 
have to abide by some rules regarding lying, stealing, and 
cleanliness in particularly common areas like living rooms and 
kitchens.  The same with his sister.  She's fifteen.  There is no 
reason for her to not follow house rules about keeping rooms neat.  
Is their father a particularly messy person?   Was this common at 
their home before you all moved in together?

Personally, if it were my brother living in the bedroom of filth, I 
would cheerfully inform him that he'd better do something about it 
or I would when he's not home.  And then proceed to throw out 
absolutely *everything.*  I've done it before.  He got really angry 
to the point of a little violence with the threat of more violence 
(nothing too horrific, just sibling stuff).  But I told him I would 
do it.  I guess he was too used to idle threats at that point to 
take me seriously.  

Although, Shane is not your brother so I see several reasons not to 
do this.  You probably don't want to clean up his mess.  He may take 
it badly if he tends to be an angry or violent person and if he is, 
may not stop at a "little violence" if you invaded his room in such 
a manner.  Again, this would be something his father would have to 
address.

Sorry for the lack of organization in the above response.  I wish I 
had better advice, but once again I do want to express that I 
understand the frustration and irritation that you're feeling.

KathyK, who gets along with her brother quite well nowadays...most 
of the time