Hot off the Presses (Political but not OT)

[Joywitch]

No: HPFGUIDX 5456

THE DAILY PROPHET

by Joywitch M. Curmudgeon, D.P.'s Washington correspondent

SALEM, MA, Nov. 7 – U.S. Minister of Magic Ralph Q. Hedge
continued to refuse what he called an "unprecedented" number
of requests to interfere with yesterday's muggle elections. 
Minister Hedge stated that "As every witch and wizard knows, we
have a strict policy of non-interference in muggle affairs.  It is 
only in the direst of life-and-death emergencies that we would ever 
even consider intervening in any way with such mundane matters as 
which muggle governs the nation.  I have received a tremendous number 
of owls today, and I know that many wizards, and particularly many 
witches, are distressed that the muggles seem to have chosen to take 
a particularly large step backwards in time, without even using a 
time-turner."   

Speaking from the new ministry headquarters located behind The 
Witches Brew, a popular pub in this traditional center of American 
magical activities, Minister Hedge added, "Nevertheless, while
the Bush victory is likely to result in an increase in the political 
power of the fundamentalist, right-wing, magic-hating segment of  
muggle society, there is no reason to believe that this will in any 
way facilitate the return of the Reign of Terror or of Lord 
Voldemort."

Dissenting voices include Muggle Affairs Directorate (MAD) Chairman 
Jack Weasley.  Weasley argued that "since [American] witches and 
wizards have to live here [in the U.S.] too, and will suffer unjustly 
from the divisive, bigoted, magic-hating nutcases who are likely to 
receive appointments in the new muggle government, there is ample 
reason for Ministry intervention.  A Bush victory will set back the 
cause of improving Muggle-Wizard relations and pave the way for the 
return of the Dark Side.  Now, today, is the time for the ministry to 
act.  The muggles are currently recounting the Florida vote; we could 
simply change a few thousand ballots and Gore would win the state.  
After all, he won the popular vote, so it's only fair.  Besides 
which, we would only be making up for the many thousands, if not 
millions, of muggle votes which were influenced by the illegal and 
immoral use of the Imperius Curse by a certain unnamed Wizarding 
Society."

Not everyone is dismayed by the results of the muggle election.  Jim-
Bob Malfoy, the Texas wizard oil baron and president of the Slytherin 
Society told reporters that "We are quite pleased by the muggle 
election results.  We in the Slytherin Society feel that George W. 
Bush is our kind of guy, and we look forward to the next four
years."


Note: This article is being distributed through the World Wizard Web, 
due to the current OUTRAGEOUS price of 35 galleons for owl delivery 
of the Daily Prophet.  The author urges readers to express their 
concern over the high price to D.P. marketing manager E. Eggplant, 
who must be feeding his owls caviar to justify this high price.