Sirius Exonerated

[dicentra_spectabilis_alba]

No: HPFGUIDX 35193

Hey, sometimes fate really smiles on a person, you know?  I've been 
following the Sirius vs. Snape debate with somewhat more attention 
than it probably deserves but with unflagging interest. And wouldn't 
you know, I came across something that clarifies the debate. The 
other day, while I was browsing through an old bookstore, I happened 
upon a large, old Herbology book made up of folios and such. As I was 
leafing through, I noticed a piece of folded parchment nestled 
between two pages. I opened it up and was really surprised to see 
"Sirius Black" on it. I quickly stuffed it in my coat, scooted home, 
and read it over about three times. I thought the readers on this 
group would be interested in the content, so I transcribed it for 
your perusal. I think this should settle a few issues.

--Dicentra, who swears it's all true

*****

Date: August 7th, 1993.
Subject: Inquiry into evidence of an accomplice in the escape of 
Sirius Black from Azkaban

Pursuant to the discovery of the method used by Sirius Black to 
escape from Azkaban on the 30th day of July, 1993, one Crenshaw 
Critchley, whose cell adjoined that of Sirius Black, indicated that 
he had seen someone visit Black shortly before his escape. Critchley 
reports that on the 21st of July 1993, a woman with long blonde hair 
and Muggle clothing visited Black in his cell. Under the Recordatio 
Verbatim spell, Critchley was made to recall the conversation between 
the woman and Black. Present at the inquiry were Cornelius Fudge, 
Minister of Magic, and three Dementors.

The following is the transcription of Critchley's recollection:

Blonde Woman: Hello, Siri. It's me.

Sirius Black: (silence)

BW: It's time. Are you ready?

SB: (silence)

BW: Come on, how about a little hug for your--

SB: Don't touch me.

BW: But I thought that you'd be happy to see me after...

SB: TWELVE YEARS!!! You've kept me here for TWELVE BLOODY YEARS!!!

BW:  I know, I know...

SB: You never said I would be here for TWELVE YEARS! You said that my 
name would be cleared and I could go free.  

BW: And it will. I'm about to set all of that in motion. So. How have 
you been?

SB: A lot you care.  

BW: I kept the Dementors off you like I promised, didn't I?

SB: Yes, you did. But that was hardly a favor. I think I would have 
preferred the madness to the boredom of being alone for, what was it? 
TWELVE YEARS!!

BW: I see you haven't lost your sense of humor. It's taken a rather 
dark turn, but it tells me you're still all right.

SB: (hmph)

BW: I'm sorry it took so long, but the setup is worth it. 

SB: "Setup" being the operative word...

BW: Look, I'll make it up to you. I'm arranging your, um, release 
even as we speak.

SB: They've captured Pettigrew!

BW: No, not yet. 

SB: That RAT has evaded capture for 12 years! You couldn't arrange 
for his capture earlier?

BW: It wouldn't be half as interesting that way. Listen, this is what 
I've got planned. It's Harry's third year at Hogwarts....

SB: Harry! How's he doing? 

BW: He's fine. Let me finish. The third years, as you recall, get to 
visit Hogsmeade a few times a year. But I'll make sure Harry doesn't 
get his permission slip signed.

SB: How nice of you....

BW: But that won't stop him from going. He's going to find a way to 
get there anyway. 

SB: So he breaks the rules and gets some candy. THAT's interesting.

BW: No, it's not. Not unless there's some danger lurking around the 
Hogwarts area. Danger that's targeted Harry himself...

SB: You haven't brought back Voldemort...  Please tell me you're not 
setting him on Harry again.

BW: Harry has faced him down two times since he started school, and 
he's fine, don't worry. No, I'm not sending Voldemort after him.  I'm 
sending you.
 
SB: Me? Why would I go after Harry?

BW: Supposedly, it's because he brought down your Lord and Master. 
People will think you're trying to finish what Voldemort started. 
Besides, I need a kind of "menace on the periphery." Someone who's 
"out there," who could attack at any moment. It makes Harry's illegal 
escapades in Hogsmeade all the more dangerous. And exciting.

SB: Sorry, but I won't be all that convincing as a menace to Harry.  
If I see him after all these years I'm more likely to hug him to 
death than...

BW: Actually, you won't be going after Harry. You'll be going after 
Peter.

SB: Pettigrew? Hey, now that's more like it! But why the subterfuge?

BW: It's called a "red herring." Everyone will think you're after 
Harry, and that will set up some really remarkable dramatic tension.

SB: Where do I find the little #^%$?. 

BW: Peter has spent the last twelve years as the pet rat of the 
Weasley family. His current owner, Ron, is Harry's best friend. No 
one knows he's an animagus.

SB: He hasn't done anything to Harry...

BW: No. He's just lying low, biding his time, waiting for his 
Master's return. Harry means nothing to him right now.

SB: Are you *really* going to let me finally catch that traitorous 
slimeball of a Rat?

BW: Yes, you'll have your chance. But not until the end of the school 
year. Before that, I need you to shake things up a bit. Be seen at 
Hogwarts, do some damage. Make it look like Harry's in danger. I was 
thinking that while everyone is at the Halloween feast you could go 
after Peter in the Gryffindor dorms, but since you won't know the 
password, you might have to try to force your way in. Canvas tears 
rather easily, you know...

SB: You want me to slash the Fat Lady? But I liked her!

BW: She'll get out of the way, don't worry. But you won't get to 
Peter yet. Near the end of January, I want you to sneak into Harry's 
dorm room at night. Take a knife to Ron's bed curtains. Make sure 
someone sees you, then take off. That should be enough to keep the 
tension level up.

SB: So how do I get into Hogwarts without being caught? I can't just 
waltz in, and I doubt a large black dog will go unnoticed, either.

BW: You'll find a ginger-colored cat on the grounds named 
Crookshanks. He's half kneazle, so he can help you. Hide in the 
Forbidden Forest until then. Oh, and watch out for Dementors. 
Dumbledore will have no choice but to allow them to patrol the 
perimeter.

SB: I'm not sure I like this. Not only do I get out of here while 
everyone still thinks I'm guilty, I have to terrorize a bunch of 
kids, all the while risking the Dementor's Kiss, and if any wizard at 
all sees me, it's Avada Kedav...

BW: No one knows about Padfoot except Peter and Remus.  Neither has 
motive to reveal your animagus form.

SB: Remus! My old friend! What's he up to?

BW: He's teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts this year at 
Hogwarts. But don't get any ideas about finding an ally. He thinks 
you're guilty and he's been angry with you all these years for 
betraying Lily and James. I wouldn't risk contacting anyone at all, 
for that matter. Even Dumbledore thinks you're guilty.  Severus is 
there, too, as Potions Master. I think you know how he feels about 
you.

SB: That oily git! Potions Master! He can't even brew tea!

BW: I hope you realize that at some point you're going to have to get 
along with him.

SB: Don't hold your breath. He's still sore about that tunnel 
incident, isn't he?

BW: I suppose so.

SB: It's not like he didn't deserve it. How come you had to send 
James in after him? Worried that your precious Severus would get bit 
by a werewolf?

BW: Precious! Severus? No, I was worried about Lupin. He would never 
have forgiven himself had he bitten someone, even if it was Severus 
Snape.

SB: Hmm. Yeah, I guess you're right. I didn't think about how Lupin 
would feel. Should have, though, but what do you know when you're 
sixteen?

BW: Not much. But I also sent James to protect you, Siri. I don't 
think you would have been terribly satisfied if you were responsible 
for a fellow student's death. 

SB: I don't know. It WAS Snape...

BW: Siri...

SB: Yeah, ok, you're right, you're right. So tell me, Snape's not 
messing with Harry, is he?

BW: Harry can take care of himself.

SB: I'll take that as a yes, the nasty sourpuss. All right, then. How 
does Harry manage to sneak into Hogsmeade, with everyone watching out 
for him and Dementors around every corner?

BW: He's got his father's Invisibility Cloak, and I've arranged for 
him to get the Marauder's Map.

SB: The map! I thought Filch had it.

BW:  He did. I had some students steal it back, though, and they'll 
give it to Harry.

SB: The map... Ha! Just make sure that git Snape doesn't get his 
hands on it.  

BW: Why is that? What did you do?

SB: I'll never tell. On second thought, I dare you to let Snape get 
hold of it. That would be brilliant.

BW: What did you do to it, Siri?

SB: I'd rather not say. It "increases the dramatic tension" rather 
nicely, don't you think?

BW: Siri, is it dangerous?

SB: No, it's devastatingly clever. Just put it in his hands and 
you'll see for yourself.

BW: I'll think about it. Now, this is what I need from you...

SB: Just answer me this first: Does Harry thoroughly hate my guts or 
does he simply curse the day I was born?

BW: Harry doesn't know about you yet. But as soon as word gets around 
that you've escaped, he'll eventually find out. Well, he'll hear what 
people tell him. By the time the two of you meet, yes, he will hate 
you rather intensely.

SB: You just don't quit, do you? First you kill off my best friends, 
allow me to be framed for it, and then leave me here to rot in 
Azkaban for... let's see... TWELVE YEARS!! And now you're setting 
little Harry against me. What's next?  A Dementor's kiss?  No, that 
won't do. It can't be much fun torturing a soulless being, right?

BW: I'll forgive your petulance because I have been hard on you. But 
I told you when you signed on that this wasn't going to be a cute 
little fairy tail, didn't I? I seem to recall you were pleased to 
hear that.

SB: (silence)

BW: Now this is the plan...

SB: You're a real piece of work, Rowling. Do you have anything good 
planned for me at all, or should I go kiss a Dementor now and get it 
over with?

BW: Harry will hear the truth from your own lips. And he'll believe 
you. Is that good enough?

SB: He'll believe me?  

BW: He's his father's son. He'll see in you what James did: absolute 
loyalty and a willingness to risk everything to protect the ones he 
loves.

SB: Really? He'll forgive me?

BW: Better than that.  He'll see that you're innocent... 

SB: (silence)

BW: Siri?  What is it, Siri?

SB: Nothing, nothing. I must have swallowed some dust or something. 
So. When Pettigrew is finally in custody, can I go free?

BW: Yes. When the Ministry of Magic has Pettigrew in custody, or 
what's left of him, your name will be cleared.

SB: Can Harry come stay with me, then?

BW: He can if he wants to.  

SB:  All right, then. Let's get started. How do I get out of here?

BW: In a few days, Cornelius Fudge will come to visit you.  Ask for 
the newspaper he's carrying.

SB: Fudge!!! That Dementor-loving git! Now that's what I can't stand 
about you. I'm in here, and he's walking free. Don't you realize he's 
one of those...

At this point the transcript ends abruptly. A note at the end says 
the prisoner was unable to hear the rest of the conversation, because 
the other prisoners began to chant "Az-ka-ban! Az-ka-ban!" while 
banging their tin cups on the jail bars. An investigation into the 
identity and location of the woman has thus far proven fruitless.