TBAY: HP and the Superfluous Scene

[cindysphynx]

No: HPFGUIDX 40324

The Captain hoisted her Omnioculars to her eyes and fixed on a 
scuffle aboard the GARBAGE SCOW.  Dicentra was wrestling with 
Pippin, Debbie and David, while a young monkey dragged a canon that 
was much too big for it toward a castle in the distance.  This could 
only mean one thing – a *mutiny* aboard the GARBAGE SCOW!  And 
Dicentra was already outnumbered!  

The Captain scowled and apparated to the deck of the GARBAGE SCOW, 
grabbed Dicentra's arm and wheeled her around.  David, Debbie and 
Pippin backed away submissively, their open hands raised in a 
gesture of surrender, glancing furtively at a nearby life raft.

"I just gave you this barge a few days ago and you've *already* lost 
control?" the Captain growled.  "Why isn't this canon in the 
Landfill by now?"

Dicentra wrenched her arm away and snapped off a wobbly 
salute.  "They  -- these Pirates --  they don't understand, ma'm.  
They seem to think that these canons are perfectly fine and don't 
belong in the Landfill at all.  And they're attacking *your* canon 
too, Captain -- 'The Portkey' chapter -- saying it's *useful* or 
something!"

"WHAT?!?!" the Captain cried.  "You have found someone who actually 
thinks 'The Portkey' isn't superfluous?  They . . . they *like* that 
chapter?"  She glared at the Pirates, who were hurriedly dumping a 
life raft into the water.   "Did you read to them from the Theory 
Bay Rulebook?  *Please* tell me you cited the Theory Bay Rulebook," 
she implored.

Dicentra shook her head slowly.  "I would have, but you said you had 
the only copy and that I'd go *blind* –"

"Never *mind* that now!" the Captain snapped, pulling a small golden 
book from her vest pocket.  "Whenever you get into trouble in the 
Bay, you just whip out the Theory Bay Rulebook."  She flipped to a 
dog-eared page near the back.  "There.  'Superfluous Canon – Canon 
that is beyond what is required or sufficient; extra; overabundant; 
excess.'

"And look at some of these examples," the Captain went on.  "Oh, 
here's a really good one.  Hermione's class schedule and the Time 
Turner in PoA.  According to the Rulebook, Hermione's impossible 
class schedule is mentioned *eight* separate times, not including 
the numerous references to her edgy conduct.  So the point is that 
it is possible to do *too* much.  All those references to Hermione's 
class schedule were way too much, just as having a whole chapter to 
give us only *one* piece of important information that isn't covered 
quite nicely elsewhere –- Portkeys -— was *too* much."

"Does it *really* say all that?" Dicentra said, standing on tip-toe 
to peer over the Captain's shoulder.  "'Cause last time you opened 
the Rulebook, I kind of thought you were just making all that stuff—"

"Never question the Rulebook, sailor!" the Captain barked, closing 
it with a snap.  "Finding Superfluous Canon is not all that 
difficult.  If JKR is adding things to the text that do not enhance 
or establish plot twists or significant events and are not 
entertaining or clever in and of themselves, then they *belong* in 
the Landfill."

"My point exactly!" cried Dicentra.  "But how can I possibly 
convince *them*?" she said.  She jerked her head in the direction of 
the Pirates, who had launched themselves overboard and were swimming 
desperately toward the life raft.

"Ask them this one simple question.  When they re-read GoF, do they 
ever go back and savor the drama, the tension, the creativity 
of 'The Portkey' chapter?  No, they do *not*.  Let's face it, 
sailor."  The Captain leaned toward Dicentra and lowered her 
voice.  "'The Portkey' is the single *worst* chapter in all of 
canon.  I mean, there *has* to be a best chapter and a worst 
chapter, right?  Well, 'The Portkey' is, without question, the 
*least* entertaining and *most* superfluous chapter in the series – 
hands down."

The Captain straightened and sighed heavily.  "What *else* are these 
Pirates saying?"

"It's hard to be sure, Captain," Dicentra began.  "Pippin wants to 
know how could we be touched by the bereaved Diggorys if we hadn't 
met them in happier days?"

"What?" the Captain asked, thunderstruck.  "The point of mentioning 
Amos Diggory in 'The Portkey' is so we'll feel sorry for him at the 
end of the book?  For heaven's sake, we meet the man a few pages 
later when he roughs up Winky in the forest.  Amos also gets a 
chance to insult Harry right before the Third Task.  Why isn't 
*that* a sufficient introduction to Amos Diggory, this minor 
character who has nothing at all to do with the main events in the 
story? 

"What else did Pippin say?" the Captain demanded, her voice rising.

"Um," Dicentra said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully, "she was going 
on about how we need to know that Cedric is the rival Seeker who 
actually beat Harry at Quidditch."

"You're  . . . you . . . you've *got* to be *kidding*!" the Captain 
stammered.  "What, we can't get that from a *single sentence* the 
first time we meet Cedric?  When Seamus calls him 'pretty boy 
Diggory?'  Or Amos can't taunt Harry right before the Third Task?  
No, we *have* to establish this little rivalry *over 600* pages 
before we are supposed to be so very moved by Amos' grief?"  The 
Captain snorted derisively.  "So we *have* to have this exchange 
about Harry losing at Quidditch at the top of a hill before we all 
touch a *boot*?"  

"But what about Portkeys?" Dicentra said quickly.  "Pippin thinks 
the Portkeys are *important*.  That justifies the chapter, doesn't 
it?  I mean, we have to learn a lot about Portkeys.  That's just 
good Flint-avoidance, right?"

"Of course not!" the Captain said, flinging her hands into the 
air.  "Sheez, the mere fact that Portkeys are important does *not* 
mean that this chapter doesn't belong in the Landfill.  You want to 
know why?"

Dicentra nodded slowly.

"Because Portkeys are a simple concept, that's why! The only thing 
in the entire chapter that matters is the explanation of Portkeys.  
Which could have been done in a few paragraphs in either of the 
adjacent chapters.  What, the Weasleys can't just *tell* Harry about 
Portkeys – the way they tell him about Aurors, the Dark Mark, 
apparating, and lots of other things at the beginning of GoF?  Or 
they can't just use the Portkey without all the dreary stuff about 
waking up and all the yawning?  'The Portkey' chapter is a whole lot 
of watching someone's boring morning routine just to give us *one* 
piece of basic information that isn't already established 
elsewhere.  Why not just *spit it out* already rather than bury it 
in a chapter of people walking around getting breathless?"

Dicentra asked, "Was that a question?"

"*Yes*, it was a question!" the Captain spat.  "And the answer is 
that JKR was under some serious deadline pressure.  She just didn't 
think.  She should have gone back and cut that entire chapter and 
tossed it into a *raging* fire.  She should have then popped the 
Portkey information someplace else.  Problem solved!  Or better yet, 
she should have worked *harder* to make waking up and eating 
breakfast *interesting* so that we'd get some enjoyment out of that 
chapter.  As it stands, 'The Portkey' is Superfluous and not at all 
entertaining.  And *that's* why it's going *straight* to the 
Landfill!"

The Captain leaned over the edge of the barge, scanning the Bay for 
the Pirates.  She spotted them adrift in a small, leaky life raft, 
their chilled hands clutching especially small paddles, their life 
vests askew.  The Captain cupped her hands over her mouth.  "Did ya 
hear that, you Pirates?" she hollered.  "'The Portkey' is outta 
here!  It's rubbish, filler, refuse!  It's *superfluous* and it has 
bogged down the first half of GoF for long enough, I say!"  The 
Pirates dipped their paddles into the water and began stroking 
frantically, spinning pointlessly in a circle.

Dicentra edged over to the Captain.  "Is there, uh, anything else 
that belongs in the Landfill, ma'am?" Dicentra asked 
hopefully.  "I've still got these two canons – mine and the Big one 
you gave me.  But I'd really *love* to have a third one.  Another 
really Big one, if you don't mind."

The Captain smiled slowly.  "Oh, sure, anything to get this barge 
headed in the right direction."  She pulled her copy of CoS from her 
back pocket and thumbed through it.  "Let's go ahead and load this 
GARBAGE SCOW with every scene that contains the words 'Gilderoy 
Lockhart.'"

******************

Cindy