"Professor Lockhart" (filk)
Haggridd <jkusalavagemd@yahoo.com>
jkusalavagemd at yahoo.com
Tue Feb 18 21:23:51 UTC 2003
No: HPFGUIDX 52458
This filk is dedicated to all those Minute Men and Winter Soldiers
who risked their lives for liberty and freedom from Lexington,
Concord and Valley Forge to Bosnia and Kosovo; and to the Framers,
truly an assemblage of demi-gods, who returned to Independence Hall
twenty-one years after the events depicted in this musical, and
ensured that the design carved on the back of George Washington's
chair was indeed that of a rising sun, not a setting sun.
Haggridd (with apologies to Messrs. John Adams, Thomas Jefferson,
Roger Sherman, Robert Livingston and Doctor Benjamin Franklin)
Professor Lockhart
Scene: Hogwarts Faculty Staff Room. Gilderoy
Lockhart is attempting to explain why he should not
venture into the Chamber of Secrets to save Ginny
Weasley. Professors McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick,
Sprout and Hooch are singularly unimpressed.
Lockhart: So sorry... must have dozed off... what
have I missed?
Which of you will volunteer to find the
Chamber of Secrets?
McGonagall: Professor Lockhart, I say you should seek
it.
You're the Defense Against the Dark Arts
wizard.
Lockhart: Is that so?
Well, I don't think I should do it,
Though I would go right to it.
I won Wizard Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile
award.
McGonagal (with a frosty look in her eyes):
Yes, I know.
Lockhart: But I say you should seek it, Minerva,
yes you.
McGonagall: Och, no!
Lockhart: Yes you, Minerva McGonagall, you!
McGonagall: But--
Lockhart: You!
McGonagall: But--
Lockhart: You!
McGonagall: But...
McGonagall: Mr. Lockhart, Professor Lockhart,
It seems you take me for an idiot or a
senile fool,
The DADA teacher slays all Monsters; it
has been the rule.
I must remain Assistant Headmistress at
Hogwarts School.
Sprout, Flitwick, Hooch and Snape:
It's the rule! It's the rule! Minerva
is no fool!
Lockhart: Professor Sprout, I think you should write
it.
You know all a witch could ever know of
plants.
Sprout: Root and branch!
Lockhart: You see, I don't think I should do it;
Though I would go right to it.
McGonagall, Flitwick, Snape and Hooch:
We grow weary of his boastful raves and
rants.
Sprout: I've seen him blanch.
Lockhart: So I say you should seek it, Madam, yes
you,
Sprout: No, Gilderoy.
Lockhart: Yes you, Professor Sprout, you!
Sprout: But--
Lockhart: You!
Sprout: But--
Lockhart: You!
Sprout: But...
Mr. Lockhart, Professor Lockhart,
The Chamber's said to hold a thing from
Greek mythology.
It's on flora, not on fauna I know
morphology;
So I must stay right here and study my
Herbology.
McGonagall, Flitwick, Snape, and Hooch:
Herbology! Herbology! A magical gardener
she!
Lockhart: Mr. Flitwick, maybe you should seek it.
You know everything there is to know of
Charms.
Flitwick: Well, I should.
Lockhart: You see, I don't think I should do it,
Though I would go right to it.
You'd bring Ginny back into her mother's
arms.
Flitwick: Yes I would.
Lockhart: Then I say you should seek her, Flitwick,
yes you.
Flitwick: Squeak! Squeak!
Lockhart: Yes you, Filius Flitwick, you!
Flitwick: But--
Lockhart: You!
Flitwick: But--
Lockhart: You!
Flitwick: But...
Mr. Lockhart, Professor Lockhart
I would fain go and seek the Heir of
Slytherin double-quick,
But any Charm is not the proper kind
of magic trick.
In deadly battle it will not suffice to
"swish and flick".
McGonagall, Sprout, Hooch and Snape:
Swish and flick; swish and flick; it won't
stop a sword stick!
Snape: Well, Gilderoy Lockhart?
Lockhart: Potions Master, leave me alone!
Snape: Gilderoy Lockhart...
Lockhart: Professor Snape, as eager as I am to lead
the charge, I have so many demands on my
time-- public appearances, photo shoots,
hair-dressing appointments-- that I'm
afraid I simply have no time...
Snape: (interrupting and speaking over Lockhart)
"I pounced, slammed him to the floor;
with one hand, I managed to hold him down.
With my other, I put my wand to his throat.
I then screwed up my remaining strength
And performed the immensely complex
Homorphus Charm. He let out a piteous
moan, the fur vanished. the fangs shrank,
and he turned back into a man. Simple,
yet effective-- and another village will
remember me forever as the hero who
delivered them from the monthly terror of
werewolf attacks." Gilderoy Lockhart,
"The Defeat of the Wagga Wagga Werewolf",
from "Wanderings with Werewolves".
Magnificent!
I certainly remember you saying you were
sorry you hadn't had a chance at the
Monster before Hagrid was arrested, and
didn't you say that the whole affair had
been bungled, and that you should have
been given a free rein from the first?
Lockhart: (trembling)
M-m-monster?
Snape: Indeed!
Snape: You must try, Gilderoy!
Lockhart: I could die! (Bozhe moi!)*
Sprout: Braggart!
Flitwick: Laggard!
Hooch: Blackguard!
McGonagall: Awa' wi' ye, man!
Lockhart: Potions Master, dear Potions Master,
Although a free rein for my efforts is
long overdue,
The Heir of Slytherin I do believe I would
subdue,
But there's a ton of correspondence that
I should review.
McGonagall, Sprout, Flitwick and Hooch:
Overdue; Overdue, his mail can't be late!
Snape: Be Silent!
Mr. Lockhart, damn you, Mr Lockhart,
At cowardism and at fraud, you do connive.
Well, in spite of that into the Chamber
you will dive.
McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, Hooch:
You will dive...
Snape: I don't really care a fig if you do not
survive!
McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, Hooch:
Not survive; not survive; You'll face the
Monster yet!
(Gilderoy Lockhart leaves the Staff Room for his office, ostensibly
to prepare for his assault on the Chamber of Secrets.)
*Russian for "my God!"
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