You Can Always Count On Me (filk)

[Haggridd <jkusalavagemd@yahoo.com>]

No: HPFGUIDX 52803

This filk is based on "You Can Always Count On Me" from the Larry 
Gelbart musical "City Of Angels".

This filk is dedicated to Fiat Incantatem.

            
        You Can Always Count On Me

(Neville laments his ineptitude as a wizard.)

I come from a long line of purebloods,
A scion of magical culture.
I had to be raised by my grandma,
Whose hat bore a stuffed vulture. 
I got into Hogwarts,
You know, by the skin of my teeth.
I'm a wizard outside but I'm
Nearly a Squib underneath.


If you need a spell
To go all to hell
In a flash of light.
You can always count on me.
My potions all smell,
Snape wants to expel
Me.  He could be right.
Who am I to disagree?
He said my Shrinking Solution
Should be orange, not green.
I guess that's what you get when you
Use an extra rat spleen.
I want to excel,
But cauldrons just melt on me out of spite
Dungeons fill with the debris.
You can always count on me.



A matter of fact.
My wizarding skills have been things of mirth.
You can always count on me.
Those powers I lacked;
I've been quite non-magical from my birth.
Black sheep of the family.
They dropped me from the window, and
I bounced into the road.
Great-Uncle Algie was so shocked
That he bought me a toad.
So Trevor's now mine;
A froggie is all they thought I was worth.
You can always count on me.


The passwords I lose;
I just have no memory, I assume. 
You can always count on me.
There's many a snooze
I had to take outside the Common Room.
Shut out by the Fat Lady.
I made this little list, you see
Just so I could keep track.
So how was I supposed to know 
It let in Sirius Black?
McGonagall won't
Say even one word, all she does is fume.
You can always count on me.


I'm bullied by Draco, who makes my blood boil.
He picks on me along with his two henchmen, 
    Crabbe and Goyle.
Hermione says that I'm worth twelve of him,
But things have gone from bad to worse,
On me he cast "Leg-Locker" Curse.


Well, flying is out,
Yes, Madam Hooch found me out double-quick.
You can always count on me.
Though "up" I did shout,
I never quite managed to do that trick.
It was quite a sight to see.
I held my right hand over
It, I guess I must have missed.                  
I woke up dazed and bruised to find 
That I fractured my wrist.
So there is no doubt,
I never could hold onto my broomstick.
Remembrall stuck up in a tree.
You can always count on-- 
Bet a large amount on--
You can always count on me!

Haggridd