What you WON'T read in OoP

[jgabriel66]

No: HPFGUIDX 61145

I've cleaned up the list, and added everything so far...

1. From Hagrid : " Now Harry, I'm supposed to tell you this 
secret....."
2. "Fawkes! Stop flicking your ash on the carpet!"
3. At the Dementors : "Now give auntie a nice big kiss!"
4. Snape : "Well done, Neville! 50 points to Gryffindor!"
5. Madame Malkin : "This year the mini is 'in'!".
6. Colin Creevely, pointing his camera : "Keep moving, please!"
7. Ollivander : " For the budget minded we have the PVC model with 
simulated grain."
8. " Neville! Can't you control Trevor? There's toadstools all over 
the place!"
9. Ron : " That won't work, Harry. According to the Theory of 
Indeterminancy...."
10. Dumbledore : " Harry, what I have to tell you 
is...Arrrgggghhhh!" Body hits 
floor. 
11. Ron: "I read in "Hogwarts' a History.........."
12. Hermione: "Well it hardly matters if we miss just one 
lesson.."
13. Snape: "Thankyou." to any Gryffindor you please
14. Moody: "I was just taking a little relaxation break."
15. Arthur Weasley: "Its just some *ordinary* muggle thing."
16. MacGonagall to Moody: "Really, relaxation well that was just the 
thing on 
my own mind today."
17: Neville: "Harry, why do you always forget your passwords?"
18: Hermione: "Maybe he apparated into Hogwarts?"
19: Petunia: "Do you want to invite your friends to spend the summer 
with us, 
Harry?"
20:Snape to Sirius: "Don't worry about it; I forgive you."
21:Sirius to Snape: "I've always liked your hair."
22:Draco to Harry: "I can't help it. I love you."
23:Lucius Malfoy: "One mustn't take this pure-blood stuff too far."
24:Lily Potter to Harry: "You're adopted."
25. Prof. Trelawney: "It's just a lump of tea leaves"
26. Crabbe and Goyle: "This feast food is just way too fattening"
27. Prof. Snape: "I think I'll lay out in the sun for a bit....I 
could use a
tan"

***
28. Uncle Vernon: "Harry, you're an absolute rail. Petunia, fix 
Harry a nice
big 
steak dinner."
29. Uncle Vernon: "Pleasure to see you again Mr. Weasley. You must 
come 
see my new mechanical tie rack."
30. Voldemort (dressed in drag): "Hi everyone. I'm your new DADA 
teacher."
31. Hermione: "Arithmancy is such rubbish. I should have stayed in 
Divination."
32. Any Trio member: "I guess they'll have to call us the 
`Threesome' now."

33. Wormtail: "M-master? C-could I have a different hand, 
please? This one clashes with my robes."
34. Dumbledore (to Voldemort): "Tom... I am your father. *heavy 
breathing*"
35. "Is it just me, or are those... highlights... in Professor 
Snape's hair?"
36. Fred (or George): "Geez... go away, Percy! I've got to finish 
this report on cauldron bottom thickness before tomorrow!"
37. "And our next model for Madam Malkin's House of Style, the 
lovely Severus Snape, is wearing..."
38. Cedric: "What worms? I don't see any worms. 
39. "My Lord?"
"What, Lucius?"
"My Lord, some of the lads and I got together and, um, we got you 
a present. Just something we chipped in for to... to show our 
appreciation."
"Well... I... I don't really know what to say, Lucius. I'm... 
touched."
"*hands over package* It's a clock, sir. And we've got you this 
watch as well, Lord, and Goyle, here, baked you a cake..." (yeah, 
yeah - 
bad Python takeoffs are my specialty)
40. "You know, Potter, this Dark Lord business is all well and 
good, but all I've ever really wanted is a kitten of my very own."

41. Dobby: Join me in the boycott against clothes! Wheeeee! *runs 
around 
naked* Down with socks!!! 
42. Dobby/Ginny/Colin: I hate Harry Potter. Down with scar boy! 
43. Hagrid: Eep! I'm not going to get near that thing...it looks 
dangerous! 
44. Voldemort: Harry...it is time you knew the truth....Dumbledore 
never told 
you what happened to your father Harry: He told me enough! He told 
me you 
killed him! Voldemort: No. *I* am your father

45. Fred and George: "Make way for the heir of Gryffindor, seriously 
mundane offspring coming through."
46. Dumbledore: "No Harry, the Dursley's cannot keep you safe this 
Summer. But I have found a distant uncle who is happy to look after 
you. His name is Count Olaf."
47. Bobby Ewing: "So Harry, Hogwarts, and the whole Wizarding world 
was just a dream?"

48. Dudley: "Please pass the broccoli."
49. Hermione (whisper): "Neville, do I add the diced toadstools 
before or after taking the cauldron off the fire?"
50. Ron: "Harry, I'm glad I don't have to deal with managing a huge 
vault of gold like you."
51. Harry: "I hate Quidditch!"
52. Lee Jordan: "After that revolting bit of cheating by the 
Gryffindors on the Slytherin keeper..."
53. Gred and Forge: "We've given up on the joke shop idea to open a 
cauldron factory. Percy's owling over the requirements."
54. Percy: "I am *so* into the Wierd Sisters! When's the next 
concert?"
55. Arthur: "Lucius, I *love* what you've done with your hair!"
56. Petunia: "I'd really rather not know what the neighbors are 
doing."
57. Vernon: "So Harry, tell me all about Hogwarts."
58. Molly: "Good grief, Harry, must you *always* spend so much time 
here?"
59. Cornelius: "Albus, I was thinking that you were right about Vol-
You Know Who being back."
60. Amos Diggory: "My Ced couldn't hold a candle to Harry Potter 
when it comes to flying."
61. Hagrid: "Great man, Voldemort, great man..."
62. Viktor: "I'd like to thank 'Witch Weekly' for presenting me 
with their Most Charming Smile award..."
63. Ludo: "I'd prefer not to capitalize on my fame as a top-notch 
Beater."
64. Dobby: "Come to think of it, I'd rather be back with the 
Malfoys."
64. Winky: "Winky wants paying!"
65. (Any centaur): "Why yes, Harry, the stars say you will die a 
hero's death on May 14, 1999, through an Avada Kedavra curse 
performed by Lucius Malfoy at the dying request of Tom Riddle aka 
Voldemort in the graveyard at Little Hangleton after you kill him 
following his murder of Albus Dumbledore on May 3, 1999."
66. Trelawney: "I'm really not very good at this Divination stuff."
67. McGonagall: "I really wish I possessed the Eye like Sibyll."
68. Snape: "Five points from Slytherin for your attitude, Malfoy."
69. Dobby: "Come to think of it, I'd rather be back with the 
Malfoys."

70. Harry: "Sure Malfoy, you can have my Invisibility Cloak"
71. Draco: "I caught the snitch!"
72. Ron: "Hermione, I want to be president of S.P.E.W."
73. Dobby: "Harry Potter is a bad, BAD wizard!"
74. Hagrid: "No, I'm no so much into dragons anymore... I'm looking 
for a nice little fluffy bunny rabbit"
75. Snape: "Harry, can I have your autograph?"
76. Dudley: "Hey Harry, you got anymore of those magical toffees?"
77. Rita Skeeter: "I've thrown away my Quick Quotes Quill"
78. Dumbledore: "You know, I'm thinking it would be much easier to 
just go ahead and join Voldemort... I'm getting too old for this"
79. Fred & George: "Percy told us the BEST joke the other day!"
80. Sirius: "You know, I've been missing Azkaban lately..."

81. Voldemort: "Wormtail? No, I just keep him around to lend a hand
occasionally."
82. Lupin: "I've been moonlighting as a guard dog."
83. Prof Sprout : " Found thish weed (puff) growing by the (puff) 
broomshedsh.
Weee!"

84. Wormtail: "The cheapskate! It's not even hallmarked!"
85. The Wizarding World - where a green light means stop.
86. Sign in Flourish and Blotts "We accept no responsibility for 
your spelling 
mistakes."
87. The sorting hat : "Gryffindore! But I wouldn't start any long 
books, if I
were you."
88. Trelawney: "Ah, Harry! You have a bright future in store!"
89. Skeeter: "In light of the newly-emerged evidence, it is my duty
to print the following retraction..."
90. Snape: "50 points from Slytherin!"
91. Fleur: (To Ron) "I want your body, big boy!"
92. Harry: "Oh Auntie Petunia! There's no place like home!"


Here's some more:

93. Madam Pomfrey: "Have you tried putting some aloe vera on that 
scar?"
94. Voldemort: "No pain, no gain."
95. Narcissa Malfoy: "My brother! My son! My brother! My son! My... 
Oh, so now you get it."
96. Ron: "Sometimes a broken wand is just a broken wand."
97. Snape to Dumbledore: "Are you on crack?"
98. McGonnegal: "Let me slip into something more comfortable."
99. Voldemort: "Boo!"
100. Dobby: "Fuck."
101. Harry to Voldemort: "I'm your what?"
102. Draco to Harry: "You're my what?"
103. Draco: "I'm just an inbred hemopheliac."
104. Hagrid: "Harry - yer a bastard."
105. Dumbledore singing to McGonnegal the Magnetic Field's "Let's 
Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits"
106. Dobby singing to Winky the Magnetic Field's "Let's Pretend 
We're Bunny Rabbits"
107. Any character singing "Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits"
108. Hermione wearing a t-shirt that says: "Mudbloods like it dirty."
109. Voldemort: "Really we're not so bad. I mean, yeah, Death-Eaters 
sounds wicked, but that's why 
we chose it. Would you call your gang the Daisy-Eaters? No. Not 
cool, ya know?"
110. Voldemort: "Dear Harry, as part of my twelve-step program..."
111. Snape: "Linux is sooo much better than Windows."
112. Voldemort: "Bill Gates. Now there's a guy I identify with."
113. Dobby: "We're not going to thank anyone, not you, not MTV, and 
not those pixel pushing pin-dicks at ILM. And Jo Rowling, my 
precious? Who do you think you are you fucking hack? Shame on you! 
Shame on you!!!"
(Special nod to the Gollum MTV acceptance speech and the pixel-
pushing pin-dicks at WETA Digital)
114. Pettigrew: "Stuff it up yer bum, Slit-nose."
115. Remus lay on the ground, bleeding. It looked bad. He was 
groaning, "Please, don't let me die,  not yet, I have to protect 
Harry." Sirius leaned over him, "Hang in there, Moony." Suddenly, 
Remus grabbed his nose and cackled, "Hah, tricked you!"
116. Voldemort was broke. He needed money to finance his scheme for 
World Domination. And he knew just how to get it. He opened a new e-
mail and typed, "My father, who died in tragic circumstances, was an 
official for the Nigerian government..."
117. Dumbledore to Voldemort: "Don't get snippy with me."
118. Fudge: "People misunderestimate me."
119. Voldemort singing "I did it my wayyyyeee"
120. The Sorting Hat: "The cat ate me. Get it? The Hat in the Cat? 
Damn, I crack me up sometimes."
121. Ron: "Harry take a toke.
Harry: "Damn, this is good shit."
122. Hermione: "I don't know why, but, well, I kind of *like* 
Eminem."
123. Jo Rowling: "You're 38 years old and you're wearing a Harry 
Potter costume? For God's sake, get a life."
124. Neville to Draco: "Suffer, Ferret-boy."