[HPforGrownups] Re: Apologies and responsibility

[Sherry Gomes]

No: HPFGUIDX 139199

lady Indigo said

2. Harry intruded on a private and humiliating memory of Snape's and never 
made a full attempt at apology for doing so.


Sherry now:

I really want to address a different point in your post, so all i say here
is that I do not believe Harry owes an apology to an abuser.  No child
should have to apologize to one who has consistently abused him, someone in
authority who has taken advantage of that position.  Emotional and verbal
abuse is as serious and potentially damaging as physical abuse.  That's all
I really have to say on the subject.  To me, Harry has taken the high road
long enough and doesn't need to grovel to Snape.



Lady Indigo
3. Harry never told Snape that what his father did was wrong and he is 
sorry, not for existing or in the name of taking on his father's deeds, 
simply *sorry that it happened to Snape.* Which, considering his reaction to

the memory, is true.

4. Harry also never told Snape that to a degree Snape was right about his 
father (but that Harry is NOT his father and should not be treated the same 
way).



Sherry now:

There is no way any child should ever have to apologize for the deeds of its
parents.  For that matter, why should someone apologize for the wrong
behavior of any other person.  That doesn't make sense psychologically.  My
father married five times before his death at 57.  Should I and my brothers
and sister now go look up all our ex stepmothers and apologize that our
father could not remain faithful?  Nonsense!  We owe them nothing.  What
happened between them and Dad was their business and he is solely
responsible for his actions, as are they?  and they were adults.  When these
marriages changed in our childhoods, should we have gone to the dispossessed
woman and told her we were sorry and that our dad was a jerk?  No way.

In the same way, Harry doesn't need to tell Snape that Snape was right about
James.  Again, we have only one memory of Snape's to go by.  We don't know
what happened between James and Snape after this.  How do we know James
never tried to apologize?  Isn't it good enough that James saved Snape's
life?  Isn't it even remotely possible he could have tried a number of times
to apologize to Snape in the years after the pensieve incident?  We just
don't know.  

If somehow, I suddenly became employed by one of my ex stepmothers, and she
spent all our working relationship, bad-mouthing my dad and tormenting me
over what my dad did, or taking it out on me at work in her position of
authority, should I then sit down and say Yes, so-and-so, you are right.
Yes, bad mouth my dad to me.  Yes he was a *****  There's no way I'm going
to do that.  I'd be quiet, even though in my heart I'd know, do know, that
Dad had problems.  But it is not for me to criticize him outside the family.
He doesn't deserve that, when he is no longer here to defend himself.  I
need not defend him, but I need not apologize for him either.  even in
telling this story here, I am not speaking with criticism of Dad or to
defend or regret his actions.  It is not my place to do so.

Neither is it Harry's place to apologize for his father's actions or even to
betray his father by admitting his dad was wrong to Snape.

And consider this, when you say Harry showed no remorse.  Do you think Snape
could have expected that Harry would rush back to the common room and tell
his friends all about it, which would have ended up racing through the
entire school?  Snape could very well have expected this, but Harry has
never revealed what he saw.  He didn't even need to say it was his dad that
did it.  He could have just talked about some kids bullying and embarrassing
Snape.  But he kept quiet.  I think he deserves some credit for that, and it
is as far as he needs to go in expressing his remorse for looking or his
shame at his dad's actions.  Remember, James was a teenager.


just my opinion.

Sherry