[HPforGrownups] JKR's dealing with emotions (was Re: The importance of death /Harry and Cedric)

[Shaun Hately]

No: HPFGUIDX 147388

On 31 Jan 2006 at 19:20, lupinlore wrote:

> --- In HPforGrownups at yahoogroups.com, "Karen" <kchuplis at a...> wrote:
> >
> <SNIP>
> 
> In fact, I'm really becoming more and more
> > amazed at how well she has written about grief without any overtness.
> >
> 
> Chuckle.  It truly is amazing how people read totally different books, 
> isn't it?  I find her dealing with Harry's grief (or amazing lack 
> thereof) to be incredibly poor writing and completely unbelievable, 
> especially after that blow up over Cedric.  It would have to be a LOT 
> more overt than that to be believable.  When Harry came up with that 
> quote about being strong because Sirius wouldn't want him to grieve 
> overtly I actually laughed out loud in derision.  Talk about sweeping 
> something under the rug for no other reason than to get on with the 
> plot!
> 
> But that just brings up a question of JKR's handling of strong emotion 
> in general.  What does she do well, and what does she do poorly?  
> CAPSLOCK Harry was over the top in the view of many readers, many 
> others don't find her handling of his grief (or lack thereof) over 
> Sirius to be believable (especially given CAPSLOCK Harry in OOTP), and 
> her handling of romance brought a chorus of rasberries.
> 
> Perhaps it does have to do with emotional styles.  I really don't 
> know.  But it certainly is true that, surveying a number of different 
> boards and forums (particularly HPfGU, Sugarquill, and Fictionalley, 
> along with numerous fanfic chat sites), those three instances in 
> particular bring a storm of dissent and objection.  What do other 
> people think is the source of this?

I think it really comes down to the fact that many people try and 
place themselves into Harry's shoes and think about how they would 
feel and react - and then they make the jump into thinking that the 
way they would feel and react is somehow the 'right' way, and so if 
JKR doesn't present Harry in that way, they think she's got it wrong.

I'm afraid you're going to be treated to yet another account of the 
parallels I see between aspects of Harry's life and my own - but in 
this case, I think it's particularly relevant.

I place Sirius' death as having occurred around the 18th June 1996. 
This seems to be consistent with the Lexicon dates, but they seem to 
have the same problems working it out precisely I do - it could be up 
to a few weeks later. It occurs near the end of Harry's year at 
school, and so we get to see his grieving or lack thereof mostly in 
his following year.

Harry was born 31st July 1980 - so at the time of Sirius' death he is 
aged approximately 15 years, 10 months, and 18 days old - possibly a 
little older, but this is the ball park figure in my view.

My father died after a very short illness on the 10th December 1990. 
I was born on 20th January 1975. At the time of my father's death, I 
was aged 15 years, 10 months, and 20 days old. He died shortly after 
the end of my school year (about a week after if I recall correctly), 
and so I was dealing with my grief as my following school year 
started.

And the way Harry is depicted as dealing with Sirius' death in the 
Half Blood Prince rings very true for me. Because it is very similar 
to the way I dealt with my father's death.

I wasn't all that obviously grieving to other people. To the extent 
that some people got very worried about me. They felt my reaction was 
inappropriate and unusual. Maybe they were right about it being 
unusual - I do think it was somewhat unhealthy looking back on it, 
but it was genuine. Was I grieving? Yes, I was. But it wasn't all 
that obvious to those outside me and even internally I kept things 
under a lot of control?

Why? Partly because that was the way I was. Abuse I had suffered 
earlier in my childhood, had left me with issues showing emotion - 
and given the neglect Harry suffered at the hands of the Dursley's, I 
think he had this considerably worse than me. Partly it came from a 
deliberate decision on my part, that I didn't have time to fall 
apart. I had far more important things to think about - in my case, 
it was my schoolwork - this was the first year of a new education 
system in my state and good performance in the last two years of your 
schooling was critical to your future study options, and this was my 
second last year. I didn't feel I had time to fall apart. I don't 
think Harry cares as much about his schooling as I did - but he 
*certainly* is in a position where he knows he has something 
important to do and where he, I believe, could easily arrive at the 
same conclusion - I don't have time to fall apart. Thirdly...

"'But while I was at the Dursleys'... interrupted Harry, his voice 
growing stronger, 'I realized I cant shut myself away or - or crack 
up. Sirius wouldn't have wanted that, would he?"

That statement rings so true to me. Because I came to the same 
conclusion, about two weeks after my father died, just before 
Christmas. That he wouldn't have wanted me to fall apart.

"Remember me when I am gone away
Gone far away into the silent land
When you can no more hold me by the hand
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad"

Harry honours Sirius' memory by living his life. And that's important 
for another reason:

"He was far from blaming her for Sirius's death; it was no more her 
fault than anyone else's (and much less than his), but he did not 
like talking about Sirius if he could avoid it."

And much less than his... Harry feels himself partly responsible for 
his Godfather's death. Believe me, I can *really* relate to that type 
of feeling. I considered - and I still consider - that I helped kill 
my father. And when you feel that type of responsibility, I think it 
probably does change the way you grieve in a lot of cases. You feel 
an even greater duty than normal to get on with living your life for 
the person who died.

Harry grieves in his own way. He's not particularly demonstrative. He 
shows his grief at odd moments, he lets it out occasionally, maybe 
when he has to. But most of the time he gets on with living. 

I can relate because that is what I did at something of the same age, 
under some sligtly similar circumstances, somewhat.

In my view, JKR nails it. But that's because her view matches mine. 
At least I think it does.



Yours Without Wax, Dreadnought
Shaun Hately | www.alphalink.com.au/~drednort/thelab.html
(ISTJ)       | drednort at alphalink.com.au | ICQ: 6898200 
"You know the very powerful and the very stupid have one
thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the 
facts. They alter the facts to fit the views. Which can be 
uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that 
need altering." The Doctor - Doctor Who: The Face of Evil
Where am I: Frankston, Victoria, Australia