TBAY: Waiting for the Last Can(n)on

[Mike]

No: HPFGUIDX 172065

Phlytie Elf was sitting on the beach looking out into Theory Bay. The 
myriad of vessels were making their way around the bay with varying 
degree of success. It was actually a wonder that some of those were 
still afloat.

"What are you looking at, Master Elf?"

Phlytie turned around to see a kindly looking Goblin wearing a 
nautical uniform. Phlytie was relieved to see this Goblin was smiling.

"Oh, pardon me sir. I is just wondering at all the pretty ships. Umm, 
if you please, sir, who is you?"

The Goblin drew himself up to his full four foot height (which 
towered over little Phlytie) and said, "I am the Harbormaster of 
Theory Bay. My name is Sincher Phlote." The Goblin gave a little bow.

"Very pleased to meet you, Master of the Harbor," squeeked 
Phlytie. "I is Phlytie Elf of the List Elves."

"And what brings a List Elf down to Theory Bay?"

"Begging your pardon, Master sir, but we List Elvses is going to be 
launching our own vessel." At these words, Phlytie beamed.

"Ahh, I see," said Sincher, looking skeptical. "Perhaps you would 
show me your vessel?"

Phlytie jumped up excitedly. "It is being my pleasure, Master." And 
Phlytie headed off towards the shipbuilding yard, Sincher in tow.

"Are the List Elves aware that a call to berth has gone out to all 
the ships in Theory Bay? They must all line up to see if they can 
pass a sea-worthiness test."

"Oh, what is this being about?" asked Phlytie.

"They must withstand fire from the last can(n)on. Look out there," 
said Sincher, pointing out into the bay. "Do you see those buoys out 
in the bay? Those are the markers for sunken theories. They didn't 
survive previous can(n)on fire.  Some of them have been out there for 
years."

"You make boys swim over ship wrecks? For years? How does they stay 
out there?"

"BUOYS, BUOYS. Those things with the red flags."

"Oh my, you make the boys carry flags, too? Phlytie didn't know rules 
was so strict in Theory Bay."

Sincher shook his head, giving up that explanation. They walked on 
coming presently to an enormous 360-foot, 7-deck yatch that was 
readying for launch.

"Magnificent, isn't it my little friend? Do you know what that is?"

Phlytie was awestruck, and couldn't speak.

"That is the Harry Potter. They've just completed the final can(n)on. 
See it there on the uppermost deck where they've written 'Deathly 
Hallows'? All those theory ships are hoping to get picked up by this 
ship. That's nautical talk for being proven seaworthy. When the Harry 
Potter sets sail, the last can(n)on will sink all the vessels in 
Theory Bay it determines are unworthy of itself. Do you think your 
Elf vessel can pass the test?"

Phlytie Elf takes several breaths and tries to comprehend what he's 
just been told. "Well, we is going to try"

"You haven't added your plank to this vessel yet, I take it? Well, 
let's hear it then.

Phlytie screws up his courage and decides it's time to add his Theory.
"Puppetmaster!Winky is Phlytie's plank."

Sincher looks bemused, but decides to withhold judgement. "Care to 
explain that one, Master Elf?"

"Most assuredly sir! You see, Miss Winky has been controlling things 
all along. It started with Dogstar Black getting thrown into prison 
so Harry has no adult wizard friends around for growing up."

"Dogstar? Do you mean Sirius?"

"Same difference. How do you think he comes upon his animagus form, 
hmmm? Winky is making sure that Master Squat, Sr doesn't give Dogstar 
a chance for freedom. Winky has being controlling Squat, Sr forever. 
She is also getting Senior to sneak Squat, Jr out of Azkaban. She is 
knowing she will need him later."

"Squat? Oh, that would be Crouch, wouldn't it?"

"Please keep up, Harbor Master. In the second year, Winky is sending 
Dobby to meet up and warn the Potter boy. Dobby would never know 
where to go without Miss Winky. Miss Winky is using reverse 
Psychobabble here, tell Potter boy not to return to Hogwarts and he's 
sure to want to go back into the trap. Unfortunately, stupid BadFeast 
screws up and gives diary to wrong person."

"Ah yes, Mal-Foy for Bad-Feast. Are all you Elves as bad with names?"

Phlytie sounding slightly exasperated, "Us elves understand wizards 
better than they know themselves, we knows who they really are. Now, 
third year, Miss Winky moves clouds to help the rat Fading 
WorthlessnessArose to escape. She is telling stupid rat where to go 
also."

Sincher thinks on this one for a minute... "Got it, Peter Petty-grew. 
Can we just use their real... oh wait, that one fits. Do go on."

"Now we comes to Miss Winky's crowning glory achievement. She stuns 
Squat, Sr so's the rat and her Master can Imperiuse Squat, Sr and 
free up Squat, Jr to make her plan work. Then she goes to Hogwarts to 
oversee whole operation. And plan works, her Master regains his body."

"Wait a minute, didn't she spend that entire year drunk?"

"Tut, tut. You fell for that act as much as the rest did. The only 
one who came close to uncovering the plot was that Professor 
CutOurselves S-backneck. He almost catches Squat, Jr stealing 
ingredients."

"Cut-Ourselves is Sever-Us, okay got that. But S-backneck, S-nape? 
What does that tell you?"

"Master Harbormaster, if you cut an "S" in back of neck you becomes 
spineless - you has no legs to stand on. Get it?"

Sincher chuckles to himself. This elf has screwy ideas, but at least 
they're humorous. "Okay, Your Miss Winky has accomplished a lot. Did 
she do anything in years 5 and 6?"

"Oh yes. You remember when Prof Cutourselves tells Container-maker 
boy that time and space matter in magic? He is being right. Winky has 
to plant those visions in the boy's mind as she is only one close 
enough and can hide well enough to not be seen."

"Young Montague apperates out of cabinet hisself, please! Wizards are 
not allowed to apperate in Hogwarts. Winky is doing side-along to get 
the boy out, and to make sure Doctor Hardware learns about cabinets"

Seeing the quizzical look on Sincher's face, Phlytie realizes he has 
used a regional reference that the Harbormaster couldn't 
know. "Phlytie is sorry, you see ACO is being a hardware store where 
Phlytie lives. You see now, DR-ACO, the cabinet repair doctor, is 
needing hardware to repair cabinets. Told you elvses see wizards for 
who they really are." 

"And, no way does Doctor Hardware fix cabinets himself. Remember, 
elves knew about Come-and-Go room long before wizards kids. Elves 
moved the cabinet in there in the first place. Miss Winky fixes it 
while BadFeast boy tries dumb tricks to kill StupidRingPortal."

Phlytie sees that Sincher is not getting this last one. So he 
explains, "Stupid = Dumb, Ring = Bell, Portal = Door. Dumb-Bell-
Door. And he never should have made portal in the stupid ring. Got 
hisself a black hand, didn't he?"

Sincher giggles and says, "You certainly have thought this through, 
haven't you? So, what does your Miss Winky have planned for her final 
act?"

"Isn't this obvious by now? Good wizards fight bad wizards all over 
the place. Lots and lots of killing. And Elves take over when all the 
wizards are being dead."

Sincher fights back his laughter to ask, "What about us Goblins?"

Phlytie looks dumbfounded. "Umm, you join us?"

Sincher just smiles. "Sure master elf, if you guys take over, we'll 
join you."

********

Presently the Elf and Goblin come to the shipyard building that the 
elves used to build their Theories in. When they open the door they 
see a number of elves milling about inside. Curiously, these elves 
are all wearing clothes instead of the normal Tea Towel elf attire.

Phlytie walks up to one and says, "Excuse me, who is you elvses and 
where are my fellow List Elves?"

The elf sets down her C.R.A.B.C.U.S.T.A.R.D and smiles. "Well, hello 
there Phlytie. I'm Elkins and we are all the freed List Elves. We 
were here long before you even knew what a Harry Potter was."

Phlytie bows deeply to Elkins. "Oh my goodness, you is a legend in 
these parts, you is. Phlytie is most pleased to meet you."

Sincher sidles up to Elkins and asks, "Did you all come back to help 
your former comrades with their last theories?"

Elkins, wipes some custard from her chin and nods her head towards 
the center of the warehouse, as she leads the two off. "Heavens, no. 
We gave up our tea towels long ago. Quite frankly, it appears our 
decision to distance ourselves was most fortuitous. The rest of the 
present List Elves are up at the George, getting drunk, no doubt. And 
after this latest creation I wouldn't wonder if they began to partake 
before they began building. Let's have a look at what they have 
wrought, shall we?"

There in the middle of the warehouse, sitting on a boat launching 
trailer was the oddest looking vessel Sincher had ever seen. In point 
of fact, he wasn't sure he should even call it a vessel.

As Elkins sniggered under her breath, Sincher turned to Phlytie, 
barely able to contain himself. "Master elf, I believe you and the 
List Elves have set a new theory record. You are the first theorists 
to have your vessel sink before it was launched. But I'm sure it will 
make a fine anchor for some buoys."

Phlytie looks aghast. "Oh no, please don't tie down any boys, or 
girls, to these theories!"

ELkins, Sincher and all the freed elves fall around in laughter as 
Phlytie slinks off to join his fellow elves at the George for a much 
needed Firewhiskey and Butterbeer chaser.

*******************************************************************

Mike, who takes full blame... ahh credit, for this theory. Except, of 
course for CRABCUSTARD, which was indeed an Elkins original and is 
timeless. For anyone who hasn't read the incomparable Elkins (search 
for author = ssk7882) Here is part 1 of CRABCUSTARD:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HPforGrownups/message/47927